The other side of the bed

Last Thursday I was witness to a miracle.  Before I go any further I need to thank the new parents for even allowing me to be a part of such a special, personal life moment.  A birth is such an insanely private event that to be welcomed into the situation is nothing short of very possibly the biggest honor of my life.  Thank you so much for sharing this moment with me!

Oddly, being that I have 2 children, I had never before seen a baby born.  Not on TV, not in an informational sex education video and certainly not in real life.  I had successfully eluded that visual for 34 years.  Even reading about births scared the living bejeezus out of me so I steered clear of that until after I actually had one labor under my belt.  I didn't want "the mirror" in the delivery room to see what was going on.  I thought I might pass out mid-evacuation.  And they kept asking me if I wanted to "feel" for the baby before he/she actually came out...umm...NO thank you...I'll pass.  To be honest, the whole thing kinda freaks me out.  I know, it's my body, my baby, all my stuff but my answer is still "Icky."  Short story long, I am a WUSS!  So I was a little nervous about being on the other side of the bed for this rodeo...a place where I didn't know what to do, didn't know how to act, had no real "job" except for being the cheerleader and I was in virtually no pain.  WEIRD!  But oh sooo amazing.  To hold the hand, cheer the breath, (I'll admit I "pushed" each time she did--guess it made me feel like I was helping in some way although truthfully it probably just irritated Mama T) was like nothing I had ever imagined.  To stand in virtual helplessness while my love went through this strenuous milestone was also WAY more difficult than I had anticipated.  But it was also way more calming than I had anticipated as well.  To be anywhere but by her side for this would have truly been an act of futility.  Even being down the hall would have been a gut-wrenching, hair-pulling nightmare for me.  So I much preferred this seat to any other.

This side of the bed also gave me a new-found respect for the dad's in these shoes.  Holy shit would that be stressful.  Prior to this I just viewed the dad as a spectator.  A co-conspirator in the creation but really just another cheerleader and supportive hand in the end.  I now see the other side.  There in that room lies the woman you love, the baby you will come to adore more than life itself and very possibly the biggest ordeal either of them have endured to date.  It doesn't matter if the doctor delivering has seen 15,872 babies come down the shoot, somehow THIS is different.  There is no margin for error, no time for thought, no sitting on the fence.  The doctor will make good decisions and he will make them now.  If he doesn't make them now Papa Bear will question the shit out of him until he is pleased with the answer and feels better about the situation.  He's got a little lady in the bed who is none too sure about what is to happen next and he is in charge of settling those fears...if not for her, for himself.  There are freaky words like "forceps, vacuum, C-Section, surgery" being used...there is no option to bring anything other than the A-Game into the room.  As truthfully, this is all he has.  Our boys really have very little control over what is going on.  They can't stop the pain, they can't make many decisions and they can't help to "push" so they really stand as advocates which must be VERY difficult since most guys aren't big fans of this role of non-doer.  I guess before this I was just so wrapped up in being in labor that I didn't have time, energy or emotional capacity to acknowledge this "man" role.  I thought I was doing all the work.  I was the one who had to emit 9 pounds of human being from my body, what did he have to worry about?  Turns out, quite a lot.  Feeling a little "Papa-Bearish" myself, I can now appreciate why some men pass out.  When I'd see a guy go down on TV, I'd always think, "You pansy!" but the severity and the colossal implications of it all lend a bit of wiggle room now.  At no point did I think I was going to pass out...but I can now see how someone could get that worked up.  These are no small potatoes.  I can also cut the Hubba a little slack (albeit 2 years later) that it was a stressful time for him too.  The fact that I didn't see this until now further clarifies how self-absorbed I am and how unwilling I was to see anyone else but ME.  Shocking, I know :) Oh the work I still have to do!  And I digress...

Seeing "life" from this bird's eye view perspective was such an experience.  Not at all how I had envisioned it but then really, what ever is?  I've come to realize that regardless of the screen play I put together in my mind that life somehow shows me just how wrong I have it and usually creates a better version for me to experience.  Even if it's not better, at least it's real.  Watching a new born baby squeeze her way into the world was like nothing I have ever seen.  And I just sat in marvel at how all that baby fit inside my tiny gal.  And then marveled some more at all of the amazing things the first hours of life brings...1st breath of fresh air, 1st self induced meal, 1st look at the world!  Thank God they are virtually blind at that point or it would all just be too much.  No wonder they sleep all the time...well, some of them. 

All this to say is I am SO glad that I followed my gut and drove up North when I did.  I was planning on waiting until Hubba Hubba got home from work at 2:30...baby girl graced us with her presence at 2:58...WHEW!  Thank God for women's intuition...and thank God even more for amazing nieces who fly in to the rescue at a moment's notice to hang with the previously birthed miniatures.  Everything worked out as though it was a well-orchestrated plan.  And I suppose it was...it just wasn't MY plan :)  WHAT a day.  To see life make its way into the world, to see love fill a room in an instant and to feel completely insignificant amidst it all was nothing short of fantastical.  I have yet to find another experience that brought on such emotion in one fail swoop...stress, anticipation, anxiety, fear, pain, exhaustion, exuberance, love, accomplishment, relief and miraculousness all in one.  What other life experience delivers all of this in such a short amount of time?  None that I know of.  Reminded me that life truly is a gift!

And I sat in joy and appreciation that I was able to be a part of it all.  To see that baby girl take her first breath.  To feel an instant connection and undying love for her--almost at the level that I felt for my own kids--was truly unparalleled.  It was a day for the record books.  One that I will remember with fondness and magic for the rest of my life.