Oh My DOG!

I feel sort of bad.  I have neglected to introduce you to my "1st born" and it's led me to a pang of guilt.  He is truly the biggest baby in our family and the one that got us primed for parenthood.  He deserves his due.  I suppose he has been an oversight because I believe most of you have met him.  This leaves little to the imagination as nothing I will say will come as a surprise after you have had the pleasure.  I have also come to notice that I rarely have anything nice to say about him anymore.  He has unfortunately become a pain in my a$$ who just seems to know precisely when to wreak havoc and tears shit up just when I think things couldn't get any worse.  He is, of course, The Titin Dog. (pronounced titan)

I realize that the allowance of the dog to commit any of the bad deeds he is accused of is completely left in my lap but I still choose to see him as a kid in a dog suit.  He is not a true dog.  He is a person.  Just ask him.  He tries to sit at the table with us.  He lays on the couch.  He sleeps in our bed...under the covers...with a pillow under his head.  This is no true canine.  He has never really been "normal" as most people are quick to point out.  We got him as a baby boy and I immediately took him to work with me at the rock quarry.  For 3 years he accompanied me to my job.  He was more of an employee than I was and truth be known, I believe he is missed more than I am, as well.  He took his job seriously.  Took pride in it.  Like the greeter at WalMart, he knew it like the back of his hand.  This is where it was first discovered that he was simply a human in a dog suit. 

It would rain, he would sit at the door and wait for someone to carry him to the car.  If my hands were full, my co-worker Gregg was all too happy to oblige as he was NOT about to walk out there in that slosh, get wet and get his "suit" all muddy and cold.  He would sit there with his super sad dog face, shivering as though just dipped in an ice pond and wait for an unsuspecting sucker to escort him. 
He sat in my office chair with me, snuggled in right behind my butt in my jacket.  It looked like I had a tumor growing out of my back as he would only poke his head out from under my coat if someone was there to pet him.  I don't think he believed people showed up for stone.  He believed they were there to see him.  I will never forget when we were wooing a big government job and the head peeps were out at the quarry for the Q&A and taking pictures.  We were all on our best behaviour and the meeting had gone quite well.  They had been there for about 2 hours and were just about to leave...just a few more photos.  Low and behold Titin comes flying across the yard, jumps front and center of the camera toting none other than a deer leg between his teeth (a neighboring individual was evidently a butcher of wild game who was none too concerned with the secondary parts).  So there is Titin flaunting this blood-stained leg (which was about as long as he was) and just begging to be recognized.  I truly thought I was going to die.  I was mortified.  Talk about a blown first impression.  Luckily these guys had a sense of humor and saw the little runt as comical.  Needless to say the Day of the Leg become lore at the quarry and we even kept his trophy around for a spell.  I think he truly wanted people to believe that he had, in fact, scored that kill and was living to tell about it...if not brag!

His laundry list of misdeeds is quite exhaustive (as am I!) but I will share some of the noteworthy fodder...As my Mr. Mini has, Titin has found "flavor" in some unsavory items over the years.  Most notable would be 2 whole outdoor couches.  I didn't think a puppy could actually consume ONE couch much less two!  I must say for the record that the squirrels started it but he was more than happy to join in the reindeer games.  I wish I would have photographed what these items looked like when he got done with them as I think you would agree they were no where NEAR recognizable as previous pieces of furniture.  Then there were the birth control pills.  Little bastard was rootin through my work bag and decided that those looked like fair game.  Called the vet to make sure he wasn't going to explode or anything and their only response was, "Well, at least we know he won't get pregnant!"  AWESOME!  He has also ingested innumerable mouse carcasses, cat turds (which I discovered by him licking my face--gross!!!), an entire bag of freshly purchased Costco dried fruit large enough to feed an army, shoes by the heap, things from the trash that I won't mention out loud but will leave to your imagination as my husband would remind me, "Nobody wants to hear about THAT!", diapers, socks, peach pits, whole boxes of cereal, crackers and cookies...you know, standard dog fare.  The list truly goes on.

And finally there are his "tics."  I suppose most dogs have these but Titin's neurosis is second to none.  He still chases his tail in hopes of catching it.  I thought only puppies did this...he is now 6 and still working on it.  Has caught it a couple of times and then looks confused as to what to do with it. **He is also not the smartest dog I've ever seen**  He also has a habit of carrying things in his mouth so he can "talk" to you.  At work it was his chain, at home it's whatever he can find.  But he can't talk unless he has something in his mouth?  Weirdo!  And this one kills me every time...when he sneezes he does so in such a boisterous, violent fashion that he bashes his face into the ground.  One would think after the first few times he would catch on and stop beating the shit out of himself but again, 6 years old and still going strong.  One day at the quarry he got into a cactus patch.  The dog literally sneezed no less than 84 times, one right after the other.  I had never seen anything like it or since.  Neither had my customers.  We laughed so hard I almost peed myself.  Again, the hysterics displayed when he releases are so dramatic that it was almost impossible for me to move to help him because of the constant onslaught.  If only I'd had a video camera--I'd be writing this from Lanai instead of Longmont...

The thing about this dog is he looks ferocious.  Like he could just rip the jugular right out of a guy.  When in actuality he is the biggest pansy dog that ever walked.  Nothing phases him.  I don't think I have ever seen him mad.  My cousins dog seriously tried to hump him for 6 hours straight and Titin just allowed it.  Had a little girl at the quarry walk right up to him and swipe the bone he was chewing directly out of his mouth and he responded by licking her.  My son attempts to ride him on the regular, pulls his tail while he is eating, as well as gets on his hands and knees to join him and the dog just wags.  I swear if someone broke into our house he would usher them from room to room in exchange for some love.  He is the biggest love whore I have ever known and he has NO shame in this game. 

So while I constantly complain about what a nightmare this dog is, I also don't know what I would do without him.  He comes to snuggle me and then almost instantly pukes 6 inches from my head--yes, I want to kill him.  The thought, at that moment, sounds oh so nice.  But I'd never do it.  He puts on his sad dog face, waggle bottom deluxe and crawls into my lap as though he's been invited and I just can't bring myself to kill him.  I will continue to accept the fact that he is in costume 24-7 and truly just trying to take the title in being "The One" that sends me to the loony bin.  He is, at present, sharing the chair with me.  Some things about him will never change...nor would I want them to!


Have a seat!



Cat Nap...



Canine Comedy...



Titin the Pig-Nosed Reindeer