Potty Patrol

If I would have to pick, I think I would say potty training is my favorite part of parenthood...and by "favorite" I clearly mean most despised. The 1st run with the fe-mini, I was taken aback by how maddening it was and how frustrating the whole process could be. The random stop, drop and pee opportunities. The slick: "I will just stand here and pee and see if she notices." The morning pee sheets from nighttime slips. And the ever wonderful, in the middle of the store HAVING to pee that very instant or the threat of an aisle 3 wet clean up being immanent. Then there are all of the associates: the pull ups, the "waterproof" mattress cover, potty chairs (we bought 2 of those), potty books, potty dolls (for boys he is named Potty Scotty!) and the potty treats for celebratory purposes...there are really so many glorious aspects to choose from that to narrow it down to just one is impossible.

So now we are working on getting the Final Frontier out of diapers. My doctor told me when he turned two, "You can start potty training him now and he will be trained when he is 36 months or you can start potty training him at 35 months and he will be trained at 36 months." I was a little discouraged with that news but have always heard the boy bladder is a little tougher to coerce so I can't say I was surprised. At the same time I was a little relieved because I remember all of the months between 18 and about 30 with Girl Wonder that I spent pulling my hair out and cursing the urine fairies. I have to say this took a little of the pressure out. I was reminded again, as with the 1st, when he is ready you will know. He will just WANT to go. So this time around I am trying to remove the control freak from the equation and just let nature take it's course so to speak.

This being said I have wanted to provide the best "learning environment" possible for my little man. We have been using the other two kid potties and have noticed that things with a boy are juuuust a bit different. I didn't account for the "willy factor" when initially choosing these potty seats for my gal and after our first couple go rounds of wet floors upon evacuation I realized something had to be done or I may just pop another vein in my head. So I researched the millions of potty seat options online. Being that my boy isn't really a boy by his own admission but in fact just a grown man in a pint-sized body I recognized that he doesn't want no stinkin kiddie seat. He wants to sit on the big one like a real man! So I found this perfect little contraption complete with a ladder so the kid can climb up to the throne himself, handles so he can hold on while he "goes for a ride," a foot stool so he can further brace himself for the shuttle launch and a cushy, foamy seat complete with a "lip" to keep things from going awry so to speak. It really seemed like the most all-inclusive choice. To say I was thrilled was an understatement. I used to get excited about buying a new bathing suit and now my skirt gets blown up when I discover new and inventive contraptions made to teach my children basic life skills--my how things have changed.

So being there was something new in the house and size and weight matter in the animal kingdom, his older sister got 1st dibs on the test drive. She gave the new seat her seal of approval and then moved on. The boy got to see the item in action so when nature called he would be clear on how to mount it.

That time arose later that night when we were getting ready for bed. I don't know what it is but bedtime seems to be Deuce-thirty for both of my littles. This is when I have had the most success with the boy and his shuttle launches. This night was no different. So he ran in, jumped on the seat and within minutes came running out and celebrating, "I peed. I peed. I really, really peed." So his sister and I ran to the bowl and saw no evidence of such--false alarm. "OK buddy, just try again." Two minutes later, same drill. "OkkkkNooooo buddy! Hold on!!! DON'T MOOOOVE!" I quickly got to the bathroom and gathered as much toilet paper as humanly possible in hopes of capturing the wonder poop and by the time I tore the ply I heard a thud! Ahhhhhh! Nooooo!

There, in the hallway, lay his stool sample for all to see and as Mother of the Year, my first gut response was a loud and disgusted, "BOOOOOOO!!!!" Really? You booed your own kid for going to the bathroom? You BOOED him? REALLY? Yes, really. I don't know what came over me but all I can say is I am not proud of it and rest assured psychotherapy has already begun for such transgressions.

Girl Wonder came down to see what all the booing was about and saw the pile on the floor and immediately started in on the little fella. "Why did you poop on the floor, Chase?" You are supposed to go in the potty!" Meanwhile I am whisking away the excretion with my wad of wastepaper and throwing it in the toilet when the Hubba comes upstairs to see what the commotion is all about. The Reporter gives him the full update of the situation complete with ghastly noises and criticism and I am just about to turn around to say "Not a step closer!" but realized it was too late. I had gotten MOST of the dung wiped away but there were still a few nuggets of shrapnel left in the aftermath and the Hubba stepped right atop! UGH!

By this time I had realized that our reaction of disgust to this situation could have set our boy back months in terms of progress so I quickly changed the tune to that of joy and accomplishment. We danced around the bathroom and once everything was cleaned up, ran into the kitchen for the coveted "potty treats." While we stood around the crystal candy bowl waiting for the prince to make his choice the female counterpart pipes up with, "Why does HE get a potty treat? He pooped on the FLOOR not in the potty!" Trying to explain to a 4-year-old that her 2-year-old brother doesn't quite have the sensation of full evacuation down pat just yet is about as intelligent as trying to explain quantum physics.

Needless to say it was an eventful first run. Based on previous experience I am sure it is only going to get better. I look forward to the next few months and the defecation that it will bring. Good times for all to enjoy! Hope you enjoyed it too :)