Food Fanatic!

I should have known better than to make fun of people with wheat allergies. I recall a few months ago giving a ration of shit to the makers of Play Doh for touting the fact that wheat was an ingredient in the magical clay concoction. I suppose this is where the foot is inserted into the mouth, the crow is being eaten, the humble pie has been served. I HATE that damn pie. And the crow and the foot don't taste much better!

For quite some time I've had issues with food. Take a couple bites, feel like barfing, end of meal. The Hubba finally got sick of it and sent away some of my vein nectar for analysis. Low and behold I am "reactive" to just about every fricken food that I love. I was given a list of 35 offenders and of course, wheat was the biggest one. Why wouldn't it be? I love and crave it the most. I love bread, pasta, cereal--the more wheat the better. Evidently this is a major indicator of a reactive food--craving. If you crave it, it's probably reactive in your body. (with this knowledge I can't help but reflect on how many people I know who are "allergic" to alcohol!) I'm sorry but doesn't that just seem mean? Why should the food that your body wants be forbidden? And then I am brought to the answer. The lesson I am taking from this is "moderation." Even though I wouldn't consider myself an over eater, I definitely eat over and over. I guess we all do. But I was getting to the place where I would eat the same exact thing every single day...cereal, yogurt, cheese, sandwich, fruit, peanuts & dinner. Day in and day out, little variance. So in addition to the list of shit I can't eat I have luckily been given a list of things I can. I am presently on week one of this "diet" which consists of only 15 food items-no more, no less (and none of which are on the aforementioned list). I guess the concept here is to change it up and keep the body on it's proverbial toes. Eat outside of the box, so to speak.

Now I suppose 15 items sounds liberal but it truly isn't. The 1st few days I was ravenous. I just wasn't aware of how many cantaloupes, plums and pinto beans it would take to keep a momma movin'. Clearly a LOT more than I had purchased. And the truly shocking piece of it all is the mental response. I have become acutely aware that I have never been deprived of anything! EVER! (Insert spoiled brat here) I've never really dieted in my life so I have never had the feeling of deprivation. The feeling of wanting something SO bad and not being able to have it. And I suppose it is so profound because the number of things that are off limits are so abundant and my allowances at this point are so few. I have to say I was a mean cuss for the 1st three days out the gates (low blood sugar will do that to ya.) I was just trying to adjust mentally and physically to this concept. And in this whole journey I was given a glimpse at the other side of the coin--how people with true eating disorders may feel. That compulsion, that habit, the draw...it is insanely strong. I just never knew how strong it could be because I have always just given in to my urges and cravings. I can now see how hard this "habit" is to give up because it's everywhere. Everywhere you turn there is food, commercials, pretty boxes, appetizing lures tempting you to buy, to eat, to indulge...and most of this crap is HORRIBLE for you. But being that the "horrible" was completely eliminated from the diet and was replaced by 15 precisely chosen items, I have also had to deprive myself of the healthy stuff which is super weird. Making a salad for my family and finding myself jealous that they get to have tomatoes, carrots and cauliflower is a new one for me and it feels absurd. Not being able to finish off the uneaten portion of banana or pineapple feels wrong. But it is also giving me insight to the depths of our habits--be it food, recreational substances or personality defects. These habits are deep and they are real. I am such a creature of routine. It isn't until I force myself to do something differently that I realize just how embedded these old ways are...and how uncomfortable it is to do away with them. Even if habits are bad they feel "normal." They have become so much a way of life that they feel "right" even when they are wrong. Luckily I was gifted this awareness with something small, instead of something colossal.

But I also must say that in doing things differently, as it is such a challenge, I find in myself a new fire. An energy that I thought was lost. An ability to succeed and conquer that I thought left me on the pool deck or playing field. It has also presented a mental challenge and shown an ability and willingness to change. To change and to mean it. Lots of people say they are going to change and then, like most of us, stop that train. The perpetual New Year's Resolution. I guess when my health and digestive well being are on the line I feel "forced." But it is good to know that when push comes to shove my brain is capable of overriding my habitual hand. This is an accomplishment as far as I can see. It also gives me pause to reconsider or I should say reclassify what I call an accomplishment. Used to be, if it wasn't HUGE it didn't make the list: sports accomplishments, going to college, pushing out a 9+ pound baby...all these were list-worthy. I have now come to the place where I can see true success and worthiness in things that aren't so obvious and societally praised. Things that most people can't see: inner progress, growth as a human being, victory over past transgressions and desire to change the very fabric of my being in regard to "other" old patterns & habits.

I've never been a big fan of applauding the minuscule or awarding mediocrity but I have now come to feel that accomplishments are relative. And just because someone else can do something with ease and lack of exertion doesn't mean that I should rate myself against their benchmark. But don't we all  do this? Gauge our success against that of our peers? It's no wonder everyone feels inadequate. There will always be someone "better," skinnier, prettier, smarter, funnier--but who CARES!? My take home message here is that I am going to try to stop worrying about what I can't control and start focusing on what I can--ME! Clearly there is a LOT of work to do in that arena. I will feel accomplished for my outwardly inconsequential successes and relish in proficiency in progress. After all, how many people do you see who are just happy to do nothing? We are constantly faced with change--little in life ever stays constant. Why, as people, should we be satisfied with yesterday? Not huge leaps. Small steps. Huge leaps are my surefire recipe for failure. Although small steps are not as noticeable they are definitely more effective when eliciting change, growth and maturation.

So this little food apocalypse has brought me to a deeper understanding about the inner workings of the human habit. It has given me more compassion, tolerance and grace. It has also shown me that I don't need to climb Mount Everest to feel like I've done something--like I've grown or changed or achieved. So this begs the question, "What are YOU proud of?" (I hope your list is as long as mine) as well as, "What are you going to change?" directly followed by "What are you waiting for?" :)

Good luck and Happy Transformations :)