Over the past year I have watched my midgetiest boy embark on some serious head scratchers. Now perhaps it's because of that Y chromosome which I like to call the WHY chromosome or maybe because I'm not totally insane (yet) that these things look so puzzling. But as I have grown with this littlest of men I am left with wayyyy more questions than answers. What I have come up with on this front is as follows:
With all of the $h!t that this toddler boy is capable of breaking why are large industrial companies spending top dollar on quality control? I have a 2 year old that will let you know in 5 seconds flat just exactly where your product is faulty, where it lacks structural integrity and the likelihood of said item failing for the small price of FREE! I seriously could have set up my own personal mad laboratory and been conducting research on the durability and constructional value of hundreds of products within his lifetime.
I have watched him attempt on numerous occasions to take my eye glasses and tear them from limb to limb. It is an act that literally brings me to about barfing before I get to him to retrieve. At the time of writing I will have to give Kate Spade and DKNY a passing grade for durability. The manufacturer of the Hubba's sunglasses gets no such flying color. Those went up like fireworks on the 4th. It was really quite a display and this was last summer when he was only about 15 months. Needless to say, not a happy day in the Casa de Cunningham.
And who could forget the Verizon flip phone that he was playing with? Open, close, open, close..."Hey how far back does this thing go?" SNAP! A proverbial yard sale of cell phone parts and exposed wiring. I was left awestruck. I truly wish I had a head count of the various and plentiful variety of toys we have had to throw in the trash on his account. I think his sister would like the same so she could requisition a tit for tat type retribution program.
Then we move on to the obvious and most numerous offender and that would be the plastic headband. After having bangs cut last summer this has been the only viable way for me to get anything done without having hair in my face so at best estimate I can say that I have purchased no less than 984 of these--they drive my man batty because there is literally one "hiding" in each room of our home as you never know when a hair emergency might strike. Moose will find one of these gems and then find me to make eye contact. It has now become a game of cat and mouse. He will lock eyes from across the room, a hand on either side of the band, sit back and watch the show. Now I know that the cost of these articles are about a buck but it's to the point that it's the principal of it all. The funniest part (and no i don't mean funny "ha ha") is that once he has demolished the band into smithereens and has also clearly and thoroughly ticked me off once more, he looks up and says "Look what I do!...All my self!!" as though it was some sort of unparalleled accomplishment! This makes me wonder if we need to get his vision checked because if this kid can't see that the vein in my forehead is about to jump out of my skull and eat him whole there is obviously something wrong with his eye sight.
In reference to his sense of accomplishment there is a yin to that yang. There is a palpable sense of defeat when he cannot break something. If he smashes two things together and they cease to explode into a million tiny pieces the color of red this kid turns is recognizable. He will try again, this time with an audible of some sort. In the olden days it was "Battle!" Not sure where he picked that one up but it was the cry for a good 6 months. In recent times it has been "High-ya!" (in Ninja tone) This was gathered from an unfortunate episode of the Backyardigans that he watched with his Gpops (Godfather Darren) where the characters were pretending to be covert Ninjas. After that show it seemed as though that was the only word he knew for the next 24 hours. Gpops and cousin Kam thoroughly rewarded each "High-ya!" issuance with loads of laughter and applause. It has now carried over into his "experiments" so I know that if I hear this battle cry from the next room I had better run, mach speed to find him if I hope to keep whatever it is he is holding. I have seriously gotten to the point where, when making a purchase I will say to myself, "I'm not going to get it because The Ox will just break it!" I have conceded that we will not have anything nice until this boy is grown and out of the house.
The thing is, the fe-mini never and I mean NEVER did this. I truly have to wrack my brain to come up with something that she has broken in her 4 year tenure under this roof. So my question is: Is it the kid or Is it the chromosome? Do all boys do this or just mine? Is this something to harness or to sternly discipline? When we went to his 1 year check up last April I told the pediatrician that I needed a resolve for all of the throwing he was doing. He literally threw everything that ended up in his hand. The Hubba got a swift sippy cup to the eye socket one night and we held our collective breath to see if it would bruise. He had broken many things in this manner as well and I was desperate for it to stop. I was appalled when the doctor's reply was, "Well, you don't want to squelch his throwing. For all you know he could be a major league baseball pitcher in the making!" WHAT? She then suggested giving him only things that would not break when thrown...so that brought me to foam and air. GREAT! So I now fear that if I go in with this complaint she will tell me that he is destined to be the next Tae Kwon Do expert and I should continue to allow him to break whatever the hell he wants. I suppose then we are then back to foam and air again. I would just like to hear from you as to your WHY chromosome experience. Do they all go through this? Is each and every toddler male a crash test dummy, capable of breaking, busting and brutalizing all that they touch? I'm looking for direction in focusing my emotions on this one. For some reason hearing that it is just a phase, they all go through it, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, etc. etc. somehow brings me to a place where I don't get as miffed. Please share with me your knowledge on this unknowable species and the antics they embark on so I can live a life in peace and serenity...or at least with direction and purpose as opposed to inconsistent discipline. Thank you in advance for your input. It is greatly appreciated! :)
Jake honestly did none of that when he was little but payback came when he was 10! He was into airsoft guns and for years was shooting everything in sight! I kid you not when I tell you we have hundreds of marks on our cherry front doors from the inside because he used them as target practice while we were out somewhere!!
ReplyDeleteI remember screaming at him so loud I though my head was going to explode. He had no response that made me feel any better- I think it went like this "Jake, What in the hell were you thinking" he says "that I needed a target"- I remember at that moment thinking his brain was wired so differently on a level I could not even relate to or comprehend.
Honestly, although most choices he makes are really good- some are almost as bad STILL...
Great piece. As to your question, boys will be boys. I know it sounds trite and cliche, but some cliches exist for a reason. My son (4 now) delights in breaking, smashing, or otherwise pulverizing anything in arms length. The Mrs. and I were getting frustrated and I asked my mom if I had ever done that or if I was just getting karmic payback in spades. Her response....."all boys are like that son, you and your brother were too. You never grow out of it, you just become more selective in what you destroy. Why do you think society has heavy machinery and dynamite? Your still breaking things, just under the guise of building things. Just ride it out until he starts building." Thanks mom. The insight of grandparents.
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