Moments...

I know I complain a lot and often write  babout the insanity of motherhood. I'm not sure why this is so. Perhaps because it is so starkly different than I had anticipated it to be and I feel I need to disseminate every last myth, surprise, shock and injustice. Today is not one of those days, however.

There are moments in my "Life as Mom" that come with clarity & reason and make me know I am just where I should be. Moments that make me know my kids are not always out to make life hard and they are just that--kids. Spells where I know that all of my hard work, commitment, attention and time are worth my every effort. Interestingly these times are also reminders of how connected our kids are to us. How they ingest our every emotion, seem to know our thoughts, and feel our energy, however silent and unspoken it may be. Good or bad they feel it all. We are their subjects, after all--their sole focus of attention. They study us like they will study nothing else in life. I know I studied my mom this way--and still do. It never ceases to amaze me, whenever I talk about her to a friend or stranger they are immediately by my side. It's as though they know I need just a little extra love in that moment.

I will never forget the first day I became acutely aware of this. While I was at the Hubba's work to pick up the princess from school (I know, super awesome that my man's gym has an on-site preschool) I got to talking to one of his co-workers about my mom. The kids, feeling as though this gym is their second home, are running around crazy, talking to people, screaming with other kids in the open racquetball court--WAY more than an earshot away so I felt safe in this conversation. There was so much noise and chaos that I didn't give it a second thought. They were so engrossed in play that I didn't need to worry. As I got deeper and more involved in the conversation I felt that "feeling" well up inside of me. That "oh shit, I think I might cry" feeling. To my sheer amazement within 30 seconds I had both midgets gently holding on to either of my legs, one tall enough to pat my back softly and the other stalkier version nuzzling my knee. I tried to kind of shake them off because it always makes me a little uncomfortable when they are in on these conversations. I took a second, bent down and told them to go play some more but neither of them listened. They stayed right on my hip as though to protect me from these feelings and be there when they came. Coming from my girl, this made sense to me as she was there from the time of mom's death to present. She saw me through the pitch darkness that I had traversed. She had every last drop of love sucked from her just so I could feel better. And now that I think about it, the boy was on the "inside" through a lot of my grief and struggle so I suppose he had a front row seat as well. My point is, from a good distance these kids knew. They knew in an instant that I was feeling sad and hurting and they were there like flies on shit. I was so overwhelmed with surprise but after having taken a long time to think about this moment in our lives I have come to realize that regardless of the "face" we put on as parents, our kids know us to our very soul.

So when I picked up my little man yesterday to hold him I shouldn't have been this taken aback. In one of those random moments where I could no longer contain my motherly love I simply forced this kid to pony up some snuggles. Most of the time I let him do his thing and play but there comes a point where enough is enough and I WILL be demanding some kid cuddle. He usually runs away from me, pushes my face or squeals for the duration. Yesterday was different. I picked him up and he nestled his little (huge) head into the crease of my neck and shoulder, wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. Without saying a word I squeezed back and sighed. I smiled to myself and thought, "Wow I love this boy." not ONE word was uttered...this was all internal dialogue. In the next moment he settled in deeper to the hug and said, "Wuv you too, mom. Wuv you too!" I did a double take. For a second I thought perhaps I had blacked out and had actually spoken out loud the words that this boy hears no less than 1,000 times a day. After further analysis I realized that these sentiments were, in fact, only thoughts and nothing more. And then it hit me. It was another one of those moments of clarity where I am sure that we are connected to one another by more than just our words and actions but by our thoughts and feelings as well. Knowing that this not-quite-2-year-old boy was capable of communicating a response to a feeling that someone else was having absolutely blew me away.

I guess the lessons I took from this #1. Be mindful of your thoughts :) #2. In the case of love, we must not only speak the words but really feel them, as a true spirit will call shenanigans every time. #3. As a parent, these littles are bonded to us and connected in ways that transcend our greatest imagination. If they can feel the "good vibes" this well, imagine the impact of the "bad" ones. I hope I can remember this lesson in times of anger, impatience and frustration.

I hope to take these lessons and the love felt in this sweet gesture for always. And I hope your day is graced with examples and displays of this kind of love as well. It's a beautiful thing to see and feel. I believe it's there for everyone. We just have to be looking for it!