I've toiled over what to title this excerpt of parenthood...there were so many viable options. My 1st thought was "Parental Retardation"--I think that is the most glaringly obvious title. A close 2nd was "Poool Party" and this was followed by "Gut-Check Sunday." After reading this feel free to insert the title you find most fitting.
Being that it has been hotter than Africa here as of late, the kids spend most of their afternoons frolicking in our backyard blow up pool. Since we live in a quiet, residential with 7' fences we generally just let our kids do their thing when it comes to backyard clothing and 9 times out of 10 they opt for the suits of birthdays. It is also noteworthy to mention that we are embarking on the infancy stages of potty training Boy Wonder. All this to say is, we should have seen it coming.
We weren't outside for 5 minutes and the Moose is already making whizzle on the side of the pool. My instinct is a sigh of relief as I figure at least he didn't do it IN the pool. We escort him to the outdoor potty that we have placed in the grass for such opportune teaching moments and coerce him to finish his business in the appropriate location. He insists he is done and jumps back in the water. Hubba and I continue our leisurely conversation. Ten minutes later the proverbial "Stool Pigeon" bellows the 3 words we never thought possible..."MOM, HE POOPED!" Hubba and I halted and stared at each other. He then asked, "There's poop in the pool?" and she snitches, "YA, THERE'S POOP!" I was half-waiting for the voice of Spaulding from Caddyshack to scream, "Doooodie! Doooodie!" but it never came. We both ran over to the side of the pool and watched in wonder. A submarine the size of the boy's forearm made its way amongst the waves and threatened to contaminate the occupants. Hubba looked over and said "I'm speechless. I don't even know what to do!" In addition to the "forearm" there were approximately 4 other portions of small intestine doing the backstroke. I quickly grabbed the skimmer and began to excavate, thoroughly gagging throughout. I just kept shaking my head and laughing, wondering how the hell I could be so ridiculous as to let this non-potty trained kid swim sans pants. I guess it's just that he has been in this pool naked no less than 100 times this summer and has never once so much as let out a grunt. Needless to say, the pool had to be deflated, drained and disinfected.
Whilst refilling the "temporary toilet" with water the kids hung out on the perimeter. Girl Wonder sat and bounced on the overly inflated basin, turned to me a knuckle and a half up the nostril and begged, "Mommy do you want to get your suit and come swimming with us?" Her request was followed by a swift insertion of the aforementioned, booger-laden finger into her cake hole. WHY must they do this!? I beg to know. I just get done fishing tot-turds out of the watering hole and you're shoving bats from the cave down your gullet. I'm sorry to say but your request to go swimming is less than well-received when accompanied with such antics. The Hubba scolded the act and explained that it was disgusting and impolite to ingest the nasal nectar. Meanwhile I am GAGGING...again!
No sooner had we resumed our conversation when the female 411 was throwing her brother under the bus yet again. As they waded in the ankle deep water she cries, "He's peeing again!" SERIOUSLY!? I don't know what's worse, the fact that the kid has relieved himself 3 times in 30 minutes or the fact that I wasn't smart enough to put a diaper on him after the 1st indiscretion. Needless to say, swim time was over.
The kids were evicted to the other side of the yard to extract some ripened vegetables from our garden which was followed by a quick trip to the kitchen for cleansing. Lord knows the dog has also marked his respective territory and it seems he and Boy Wonder do their "marking" in a similar manner. We just don't want to run the risk of ingesting dog urine. So we usher the kids up the deck and into the kitchen and about 30 seconds into the mission the town crier yells, "Mom, he did it again! He peed on the kitchen." Sure enough, I walk in to find the kid peeing all over the kitchen cabinets, rug and floor. AWESOME. Finally I get a clue and put a diaper on the miniature schnauzer and if I could have I would have smacked myself silly for allowing all of this "marking" to take place. Why on earth would I think that my simple request of, "Please stop peeing/pooping in non-designated areas." would be heeded? And again, why would I think that simply because he had relieved himself out the gates that he was "done?" Clearly there was lots more where that came from and lots of fluid reserves to keep us on our toes.
It was a day of revelation, reality and repulsion. Another chapter of "Humble" in the novel of life. Luckily I was in good enough spirits to laugh off a majority of the excretion. Today as I was changing him for his nap he looked up at me with sad eyes and confessed, "I pooped in the pool." to which I responded, "Yes, you did and how did that make you feel?" to which he stated, "Not very great." This was the perfect segue into the life lesson that everyone makes mistakes, life is not fool-proof and we are usually given a second chance to try things again. It felt good to be able to have that conversation with him. He smiled largely and gave me a tight hug. Guess I should take a piece of my own advice and lighten up on myself as without this written record of the incident it would all be forgotten 5 years from now as is true of most of our mistakes. My take home message here is, even if you are having a moment of "Parental Retardation" there is still a good chance that you'll get a re-do with the same exact predicament and an even better chance that you'll be the only one holding on to the memory of the mistake. I'm just trying to live each day better than the last. I'm not always successful but this is my goal. Even if I don't achieve this goal, I know there are little eyes watching me try and hopefully seeing that even if we can't take back our mistakes we can make every last effort to do it better next time!
Here's to always trying to do it better!
Always good for a hysterical laugh. I think I peed a little too just reading this. Was deja-vu as yetyerday I too watched my little genious pee in the pool not once but twice. I emptied and refilled per protocol and before I could even sit down I had to wonder why there were rocks in the pool. We have no rocks. As Courtney laughdhysterically at me, I too fished out the "rocks". Needless to say, playtime was over. There are no more shockers in my life. Just another average day!
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