So I get these emails every week with the subject line "Your 19-Month-Old: Week 1; Week 2; Week 3"...you get the picture. So as the kid progresses I am privy to the things I can expect from this creature and milestones in which to look for. I'm questioning why not ONE of these emails has ever had the subject line: "Your 19-Month-Old: Hold onto your f*(%ing shorts!" Now I know not ALL kids are hell on wheels but you'd be hard-pressed to convince me that most boys aren't. I just could not have picked a more polar opposite from my daughter if I had tried. Granted she did/does have her issues as she decided that being awake for 92% of a given week is acceptable, she has just never pulled the kind of crap this one does. Which is why I believe I am constantly amazed and totally unprepared for the shenanigans The Ox brings to the table.
Let's take this morning...I left the room for TWO minutes to brush my teeth (heaven forbid I take ANY time for self-hygiene) and come back into the room after about 30 seconds of silence only to find the table, floor, breakfast nook and all associated walls covered in tomato juice! I do believe my exact words were "WTF!?" Partially because of the shock of seeing red splattered all over everything and instinctively thinking it was blood and the other part was just plain, old fashioned shock. This would have NEVER occurred to my female. Something of this nature would just never have even entered her mind. She would have written such off as preposterous! I don't know how I know this, I just do. I take that back...I think I know this because the same female had passed up the can of juice and pulled up a chair in the adjacent room once the tomfoolery commenced. I believe she KNEW what was going to happen next and thought she needed to take cover. Probably why she was buried under the couch cushions asking "What did Chase do, mommy?" My point is, I can leave her in a room to brush my teeth and know that when I come back into it 2 minutes later it will be as I left it. With the boy it is a literal crap shoot. Most of the time it is as though a bomb went off upon my exit. So am I supposed to get one of those kiddie leashes and attach him to me wherever I go? I have already conceded to the fact that we will have nothing of value or decency until he moves out. I left my eye glasses on my desk yesterday, turned my head to reach for some papers, turned back around to find him treating them like a Gumby toy, ripping them from limb to limb. Maybe he is testing their durability? I certainly know he is testing my patience.
And then this morning after our trip to the doctor (where we learned that not one but both children have contracted impetigo--most likely from dad's bout with Strep :-/) we were trying to scurry into the house. Ox decided that he needed to frolic in the yard for a moment which I completely encouraged. I stood by the door and watched them play for a bit at which point he scoped out a pile of fecal remnants in our front yard that was left by our neighbor's dog. His radar honed in on this pile and he conjured all of his mini-might to leap as high into the air as a toddler possibly could and land directly amidst the dung. WHAT ON EARTH WOULD POSSESS HIM TO DO THIS? He knew what it was...he kept saying "poop...poop!" and I do believe I have made it abundantly clear in our tenure together that poop is gross. But it is like a moth to a flame. A truly puzzling sight. So needless to say, I rushed into the house to arm my hand with something to pick up the piles and found a plastic grocery bag. Slipped it onto my hand as a glove of sorts...upon closing the claw, came to the realization that the bag had experienced a previous blow out and was without substance. Grabbing a dog pile with a bare hand brings a special sort of feeling to my heart...one part dumb ass, two parts disgust, one part IRE with a dash of disbelief.
They say you can start your day over at any time. I've pressed the "redo" button on this day twice already. Hoping things can only get better from here...
Showing posts with label dog poop. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dog poop. Show all posts
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
You gonna eat that?
So I realize that I have given a awful lot of attention to the unsavory things my sons eats but being that this is such a recurring problem and the list of offensive items seems to be growing I feel compelled to touch on the subject once again.
Before I delve into the most recent ick let's do a recap of where we are to date so we can all be on the same page:
#1. And I think fair to say, the grossest technically of all, is poop. He has eaten many forms and multiple times. After seeing the face Mya made after eating dog excrement at a tender 10 months, I thought he would be a "one and done" like she was. Evidently he liked the tasted and felt he needed to go back for seconds...and thirds. How about just ONE more time for good measure? For the record I do believe the foulest of all occurrences was at about 12 months. We let him run around sans diaper for no more than a half an hour. In this time span he "let loose" (literally) on the back deck and proceeded to stick his hand in it. Hubba Hubba sat there in awe while I ran to the kitchen for reinforcements. Never in a million years did I expect the boy to take hand from puddle and put it to lips! I can still feel the horror. I wince with remembrance...
#2. Mentioned in an earlier blog...The Candle Stick. Now, while nowhere NEAR the level of disgust as the aforementioned item, I found this to be disturbing because of his unrelenting intention to get that sucker down the pipes! The sticktoitiveness he exhibited to ingest a non-food item was a tad alarming.
#3. And perhaps least worrisome is dog food. It's there, it's in a bowl, it's good enough for the favorite pup. Why NOT eat it? I suppose the easy answer to this is that it's gross but you couldn't convince him of this.
#4. Play-doh. Again, something I thought would be a one time try and discard. Unbelievably mere moments before the offense in question he tried to eat some Play-doh at Mya's pre-school. I would be hard pressed to believe he even had the taste of that out of his mouth before this final feast. I am now questioning whether I feed this kid enough. I suppose I can explore that in a later session...
So now we are fairly up to speed. I am leaving out the minor things like sand and bath water because I have just come to embrace these and accept that he is going to try to consume them whenever I turn my head (which quite obviously is VERY frequently as he has racked up an overly extensive resume and he isn't even 2) But I digress...
So as we are leaving Mya's pre-school he begs to go over to a tree to pluck some "blueberries." This is not an actual blueberry tree, but a pine variety with somewhat purplish little nuggets growing from it. Mya has over time grown a deep and incessant desire to go to said tree and retrieve a "blueberry" for her ride home. She covets, plays, pets and discards. Therefore, being the little brother and having to be exactly like his sister, he has developed the same obsession. They have together, pulled "foliage and fruit" no less than 92 times. We see these bushes on our walks as well and each and every time we stop. And each and every time I give the same speech. "Ok, now you can look at the berries but DO NOT EAT THEM." They each give me The Nod and proceed. Mya has never given me any cause for concern. After her fecal endeavor she has not once questioned my judgement in the battle of "What is consumable and what is not consumable." The boy version is clearly another story. I proceed to put him in his car seat and carry on down the road at which point I hear varied octaves of the German-inspired "Echh!" (he has somehow picked that up as the favored expression of disgust) Now, I have never heard him make this noise with any of the other items on the list so I am puzzled. What could he possibly have eaten to make him so adamant? And then it hits me that he has broken the cardinal rule and eaten the forbidden fruit (and accompanying foliage). I spent the next ten minutes of the car drive listening to him spit, hack, Echh and squirm. He made faces that I have never seen a toddler make before and in watching him I joined with the facial disgust. He went so far as to insert a finger into his mouth and dig the pine OUT of his teeth!! Another first for me as, in my previous experience, kids either spit the $h!t out and move on or swish a beverage to eradicate the ewww. He literally could not STAND having this mess in his mouth and proceeded to reel in all known tools for relief. I guess I just didn't realize that "pick your teeth" was already committed to the toddler arsenal of options. And all I could do is laugh and assure him that I wasn't lying when I said he shouldn't eat the tree. I guess this lesson has learned me that I shall never trust this boy with anything small enough to be placed in his mouth. Soap, flowers, deodorant...nothing is sacred. From here on out they shall all be deemed potential food sources. Luckily there were no adverse reactions, vomiting, rashes, etc. so it was a relatively cheap lesson. But I must say one thing--when I went to retrieve him from his car seat I smelled his breath and it was no less than taxi-cab-fresh! Never again will I question The Power of Pine!
**Post Script** I've now, officially, seen it all!...Woke up this morning to the aroma of pine-scented poop! Are you kidding me!? Seriously? NO WAY! My mouth will be agape for the next hour!
Before I delve into the most recent ick let's do a recap of where we are to date so we can all be on the same page:
#1. And I think fair to say, the grossest technically of all, is poop. He has eaten many forms and multiple times. After seeing the face Mya made after eating dog excrement at a tender 10 months, I thought he would be a "one and done" like she was. Evidently he liked the tasted and felt he needed to go back for seconds...and thirds. How about just ONE more time for good measure? For the record I do believe the foulest of all occurrences was at about 12 months. We let him run around sans diaper for no more than a half an hour. In this time span he "let loose" (literally) on the back deck and proceeded to stick his hand in it. Hubba Hubba sat there in awe while I ran to the kitchen for reinforcements. Never in a million years did I expect the boy to take hand from puddle and put it to lips! I can still feel the horror. I wince with remembrance...
#2. Mentioned in an earlier blog...The Candle Stick. Now, while nowhere NEAR the level of disgust as the aforementioned item, I found this to be disturbing because of his unrelenting intention to get that sucker down the pipes! The sticktoitiveness he exhibited to ingest a non-food item was a tad alarming.
#3. And perhaps least worrisome is dog food. It's there, it's in a bowl, it's good enough for the favorite pup. Why NOT eat it? I suppose the easy answer to this is that it's gross but you couldn't convince him of this.
#4. Play-doh. Again, something I thought would be a one time try and discard. Unbelievably mere moments before the offense in question he tried to eat some Play-doh at Mya's pre-school. I would be hard pressed to believe he even had the taste of that out of his mouth before this final feast. I am now questioning whether I feed this kid enough. I suppose I can explore that in a later session...
So now we are fairly up to speed. I am leaving out the minor things like sand and bath water because I have just come to embrace these and accept that he is going to try to consume them whenever I turn my head (which quite obviously is VERY frequently as he has racked up an overly extensive resume and he isn't even 2) But I digress...
So as we are leaving Mya's pre-school he begs to go over to a tree to pluck some "blueberries." This is not an actual blueberry tree, but a pine variety with somewhat purplish little nuggets growing from it. Mya has over time grown a deep and incessant desire to go to said tree and retrieve a "blueberry" for her ride home. She covets, plays, pets and discards. Therefore, being the little brother and having to be exactly like his sister, he has developed the same obsession. They have together, pulled "foliage and fruit" no less than 92 times. We see these bushes on our walks as well and each and every time we stop. And each and every time I give the same speech. "Ok, now you can look at the berries but DO NOT EAT THEM." They each give me The Nod and proceed. Mya has never given me any cause for concern. After her fecal endeavor she has not once questioned my judgement in the battle of "What is consumable and what is not consumable." The boy version is clearly another story. I proceed to put him in his car seat and carry on down the road at which point I hear varied octaves of the German-inspired "Echh!" (he has somehow picked that up as the favored expression of disgust) Now, I have never heard him make this noise with any of the other items on the list so I am puzzled. What could he possibly have eaten to make him so adamant? And then it hits me that he has broken the cardinal rule and eaten the forbidden fruit (and accompanying foliage). I spent the next ten minutes of the car drive listening to him spit, hack, Echh and squirm. He made faces that I have never seen a toddler make before and in watching him I joined with the facial disgust. He went so far as to insert a finger into his mouth and dig the pine OUT of his teeth!! Another first for me as, in my previous experience, kids either spit the $h!t out and move on or swish a beverage to eradicate the ewww. He literally could not STAND having this mess in his mouth and proceeded to reel in all known tools for relief. I guess I just didn't realize that "pick your teeth" was already committed to the toddler arsenal of options. And all I could do is laugh and assure him that I wasn't lying when I said he shouldn't eat the tree. I guess this lesson has learned me that I shall never trust this boy with anything small enough to be placed in his mouth. Soap, flowers, deodorant...nothing is sacred. From here on out they shall all be deemed potential food sources. Luckily there were no adverse reactions, vomiting, rashes, etc. so it was a relatively cheap lesson. But I must say one thing--when I went to retrieve him from his car seat I smelled his breath and it was no less than taxi-cab-fresh! Never again will I question The Power of Pine!
**Post Script** I've now, officially, seen it all!...Woke up this morning to the aroma of pine-scented poop! Are you kidding me!? Seriously? NO WAY! My mouth will be agape for the next hour!
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