Scrooge!?

OK now this one has been settling on me for a bit now.  Truth be known since Mya's 1st Christmas.  It has all resurfaced with the eminent arrival of the Holiday Season.  It all started when an extended sister of mine sent the minis these beautiful Christmas Reindeer books last week.  The story goes, that on Christmas Eve the reindeer are outfitted with "shoes" (much like horse shoes) and from time to time a shoe will drop onto an unsuspecting recipients "lucky" roof.  The reindeer shoes are to be cherished and hung from the tree as they are very special.  The books came complete with 2 packages of cute little reindeer shoes and the story is a very sweet little one.  Needless to say I have read the book to Mya no less than a jillion times already so she could commit it to memory and "read" it to herself.  One particular evening after having read it 3 times in a row she looked up at me with her sweet little innocent 3-year-old face and said "Mommy, are the reindeer shoes REAL or just pretend?"  UGH!  Take the knife out of my chest!  I faltered.  Here I am, the MOM, and to be raising my daughter as honest and upstanding and I am LYING to her!?  The pain of this is fibery is something that I was not alerted of pre-parent.  Something that should be written in all CAPS in a pamphlet they pass out for when you decide to discontinue your birth control usage.  **WARNING** SHOULD YOU BECOME PREGNANT YOU MAY FEEL HORRIBLY GUILTY LYING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS!  I'd be fine with them making footnotes regarding the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Cupid etc. but Santa, for me, is the big one. 

So here I am faced with being the biggest Scrooge on the planet by admitting to my daughter something I believe she already knows.  She called me out last year when we saw "Santa" at the store.  I said, "Look Mya there's Santa!" to which she retorted "Uh no mommy, that's just someone dressed up like Santa!"  At 2 I wasn't really sure what to do with that so I let it be.  Now at 3 I am becoming more convinced that she is onto the charade.  My poker face is such that I won't be able to keep this one up.  I already feel like I am about to crack.  And if I do break down and tell her then I am left with a shattered little girl whose childhood is void of the beautiful belief in The Dream. 

I remember at the age of about 7 my same-aged cousin alerting me of the sham.  I played it off like I knew, all the while horrified that mom and dad were, in fact, Santa.  Memories of earlier childhood Christmas's came flooding back and all the pieces were finally put together.  I had KNOWN it all along.  I was simply in denial--something I have grown quite comfortable in after all these years.  Denial has come to be like a warm, winter afghan to me so it is no surprise that at the age of 7 I still hadn't figured it out.  I remember my first thought after the blow being "You bastards!" (yes, already at the tender age of 7 I had my truck driver vernacular)  I just couldn't believe that they had put on this whole story about a fat guy in a suit just to give me "Christmas Spirit."  And it was really all down hill from there.  The years to come were filled with gift-hunting prior to the big day as well as gift opening and re-wrapping with my brother in later years.  The whole magic had deflated in that one moment and I became a Christmas Misfit!  Don't get me wrong, I still liked the holiday but the flare that it once had was removed in one fail swoop!

So my issue here is that I don't want my daughter to think I am a fraud for having her buy into this whole song and dance.  But I also don't want to be a Scrooge and let her in on the goods right out the gates.  Will she not trust me forever because of this little white lie?  I feel like I have already jumped in the water and I just don't know how to get out!  There have GOT to be those of you who have gone through this same turmoil.  Those who have braved the battle field and survived with your child's love and trust still in-tact.  Please share with me your wisdom!  Give me the ability to survive this holiday season and those to follow without feeling like a total con artist cuz I got NOTHIN!

Why is this such a hard topic to process?  It is supposed to be Merry Christmas not Wary Christmas!  Please, with your comments, help me put the "Merry" back in our Christmas! :)